What Did You Do For Your 3rd Birthday?


Abandon Ship VIDEO RELEASE: What did you do for your third birthday?

What did you do for your third birthday? Maybe you had a party with your friends, except when you’re three years old they’re not really friends, more a collection of human beings of the same age with whom you share a vague geography—if I could remember my ‘friends’ from that age I’m sure I probably hated them all. Maybe you had games, music, jelly & ice cream, party bags, a food fight and a disinterested local alcoholic man in a clown suit, named Bozo or Tickles or Whizzlypops, who was ostensibly there to entertain you but in reality was there to fund his addiction to second hand ladies shoes from eBay. Whatever you did, chances are your third birthday party sucked and it’s okay, no-one blames you for that, chances are you didn’t arrange it—unless you were some kind of once in a lifetime high-functioning child prodigy. Besides, it’s hard to get sold at the off license when you’re that age, and we can all agree that most three year olds are pretty boring. Have you ever met a three year old with an opinion about True Detective? Nope. To quote Louis CK, they’re not even making memories yet.

Our third birthday party though? Yeah we had the food fight, party bags and there were definitely a few clowns in attendance, but on the whole it was probably way better than yours. We wouldn’t exist without the support of our customers so we celebrated our third birthday as a company with you guys in our Glasgow store and it was just as wild and sloppy as we could have hoped for. Anyone was welcome and it was rad to see so many familiar faces as well as a whole host of new ones. The shop was packed—some eager beavers went as far as camping outside the door before we opened like we were selling festival tickets—and the queue to pick up a limited edition birthday tee was out the door; not to mention there was a feverish horde of you trying your best to crash the website ordering the shirt when it went live. We had Glasgow club royalty and resident DJs from Flat 0/1 Boogaloo providing the tunes and a load of booze from Brewdog and Jagermeister to get you drunk for free. Before it got too messy and you all started vomiting on stock, fighting your best friend and fucking in the changing rooms we kicked you all out and hit Buzzywares for the afterparty, where one fat, solitary dick could be seen eating a chilli hotdog with a shameful expression on his face. Now, at this stage the plan was to present our 3rd birthday cake to everyone and presumably get Rich and Duncan to blow out the candles, but unfortunately before that could be arranged it got all smooshed up and ended up being thrown carelessly around the stockroom upstairs, which resulted in at least one birthday tantrum. It really is a shame, because it’s not every day you see such a big, pink, phallic cake. Plus I didn’t get a slice so fuck you.

After closing time the party drifted towards the reliable doors of Glasgow’s world famous Cathouse nightclub where we had the upstairs bar booked out. It’s at this point memories of the evening begin to get hazy and jumbled, and I’ll take the heat for that one, I just can’t say no to a cheeky little Smirnoff Ice when the occasion demands it. Sufficed to say with Vandelay DJing we were probably all subjected to a bunch of Whitney Houston records mixed together into an R’n’B odyssey of indeterminable length. Thankfully we had the foresight to arrange for the entire evening to be filmed by Other Finger Films, so it’s with great pleasure—and a little trepidation—that Abandon Ship Apparel presents the premier of our third birthday party video. God have mercy on our souls.

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